Sunday, December 02, 2007


Wasn't it Labor Day just last week? Maybe not, but it sure feels that way. I could have sworn it was Christmas back in July when the department stores started displaying their holiday decorations in the ninety degree heat, but I guess not. Lo and behold! The season of blinking lights, mall Santas and toy commercials ad nauseum has jumped me from behind with all the grace and skill of a NFL tackle squashing a quarterback desperately clutching the game ball. The holidays may be here, but for some reason my brain and heart are still someplace over there.

The only thing to do is to make myself get into the spirit of the upcoming festivities. One simple (and usually effective) method is to start singing holiday songs. Once those old familiar tunes get ingrained into your head you'll be humming them in your sleep, and--ta da! Instant Yuletide bliss. I began singing Christmas melodies early because I'm an official member of a Sweet Adelines chorus--and we practice for weeks in order to carol at a number of venues. You'd think singing "Go Tell It On the Mountain" in late September would help a gal get into the Christmas mood, wouldn't you? Somehow it doesn't.

In fact, since I've been working so hard to memorize each song's lyrics letter perfect and its tunes note perfect, I'm "burnt out" on singing altogether. Don't get me wrong--I still love to sing, it's just that I'm concentrating so hard on doing it right that I forget what I'm really singing about. This is a danger for all performers, and it's particularly tricky for singers. You choreograph the movements, the gestures, the facial expression, the tone of voice, but somehow you fail to choreograph your heart into the musical piece at the same time. And what with all those other doings your poor brain is trying to keep up with, is there really a place to squeeze your heart in as well?

These days I find myself lacking the stamina for even a pathetic a "ho, ho, ho!" since I'm constantly chanting a frantic, "oh, oh, oh!" whenever the next big crisis comes my way. Of course, I freely choose to fret and worry over things, thereby denying myself the energy to get into the holiday spirit properly. Something has got to be done about this pathetic state of affairs--and done now before it's too late.

Okay, from here on out I declare it officially "Christmas in my heart." No more need to fret and fear about what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day--today it's Christmas, and it's a holiday and that's that. No work on holidays, no worrying on holidays, just good cheer and goodwill to all men and all other genders and age groups as well. How will I keep this promise? How do lawyers get us to do anything? By writing a contract, of course! I'll post mine below so you can print it and sign one for yourself in case you're in need of some "Holiday Spirit," too. Just don't sue me in case you fail to live up to your terms of the agreement.

Think about it: If you can squeeze your signature onto a dotted line and your backside into those dress pants you bought last year, then you certainly can squeeze yourself into the joy of the season, can't you?

Happy Holidays, y'all!


(Offer void in Vegas, Hollyweird, Nuh Yawk, Utah, Hawaii, New Brunswick, Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands, Antarctica, East Hoboken, west of the Pecos and north of the Missouri, and for people who live in glass houses.)

I, (fill your name here) , being of wacky mind and gorgeous body, do hereby declare myself to be in THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT on this day, (put today's date here) , 2007. This feeling of Yuletide festivity and frolicking will last from now until January 1, 2008 or until I wake up from my New Year's Eve hangover, whichever comes last providing I wake up eventually.

Sign in front of witnesses (of a dubious mental state as well) and attested to by an easily bribed Notary Public.

X (your name goes here as well)
(Notary's seal)

(Right thumb print)

(Smooshed Mistletoe Berry Stain)

(Bright Red Lipstick Print)

(Notary Public's champagne glass ring)

(Motel Room Number and Notary Public's phone number)

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